PORTLAND: Friends and family of Stephanie Walters – the seventeen-year-old Oregon girl who became famous for committing suicide out of grief over the death of beloved Game of Thrones character Jon Snow – gathered outside her family’s home last night to remember her as a hopeless simpleton who knew nothing about plot structure.
The candle-light vigil was organized after Snow was resurrected in the second episode of season six – confirming what every fan with half a fucking brain has known since the moment he was “killed” in the season five finale.
“I mean, there’s dumb, and then there’s believing Jon Snow is actually dead dumb,” scoffed Chelsea Smith, Walters’ best friend since preschool, as she held a candle inscribed with the letters “SW” inside a heart. “They’d been building him up for five seasons to be the story’s male hero – plus there are all the Rheagar/Lyanna parenthood theories – he’s clearly intended to play a main part in the battle with the White Walkers, so they weren’t exactly going to kill him off midway through the series just to shock the audience” Smith continued, adding that “you’d have to be some kind of prize-winning dunce to believe he was actually gone – especially with Melisandre conveniently arriving at Castle Black with her Lord of Light resurrection powers right before he was ‘killed’.”
“What a goddamn surprise!” quipped Walters’ father, Don, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly, “I mean, who would have thunk that they wouldn’t just kill off one of the two most important characters smack in the middle of the series? Not Steph, apparently.” “You hear that, genius! Half the freaking plotline wasn’t just flushed down the toilet!” he shouted, extending his hands skyward in mock surprise, “what a complete and total shocker!”
As the vigil drew to a close, Walters’ mother, Patricia Alton, addressed the crowd to thank them for their support, and express her regret that she never bothered to explain the basics of commercial storytelling to her daughter.
“I can’t help but blame myself just a little bit” she sobbed, held standing by family members, “if I had only taken the time to tell her that the central characters of movies and TV shows only ever die at the very end – because, you know, if you kill them off in the middle then where the hell does the story go from there? fucking obviously – Stephanie might still be here to hold her idiotic breath every time Jon or Daenerys are in any kind of danger.”
The ceremony concluded with a surprise tribute from Game of Thrones creator George R.R. Martin, who joined the mourners via live tele-link to honor his late fan. “I mean seriously, kill Jon Snow?!” chortled the best-selling author, struggling to breathe as he bent double with laughter, “The book is called ‘A Song of Ice and Fire,’ and his name is freaking Snow for crying out loud! He and dragon-girl are going to be around for a little while longer, I think.” “Oh dear lord,” Martin concluded, solemnly removing his trademark cap, “what a fucktard.”