NEW YORK: Dismissing all other potential candidates as “low-energy morons,” presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump revealed today that he would be his own running mate in the 2016 U.S. general election.
“I like my colleagues in the Republican party – I do” Trump told reporters at a press-conference in the lobby of his namesake Trump Tower, “and they like me too – they love me, actually, everybody loves me, it’s a beautiful thing really. But let me tell you – what a bunch of impotent losers those guys are – I mean seriously, they couldn’t win an election in China – and the elections are rigged in China,” Trump continued, “it’s true – did you know that? Does everybody know that?”
“So I thought to myself – hey, I’m never going to find a better running mate for myself than me” Trump quipped, “The best running mate is me – no one runs better than me, I run so well, you wouldn’t believe it – it’s true” he continued, shrugging, closing his eyes and sticking out his lower lip, “I am the best guy of everything.”
In the wake of the surprise announcement, speculation has abounded as to whether Trump’s unorthodox choice of running mate should be attributed to his rampant egotism, or to the fact that in the course of the primaries he has alienated every serious candidate with mud-slinging and personal insults. “I have a lot of money” Trump said in response to suggestions that he consider choosing New Jersey governor Chris Christie instead, “it’s true, did you know this? does everybody know this? I have so much money, I don’t even know how much money I have – that’s how much it is. I mean seriously, I have like this much!” he concluded, spreading his arms out wide and nodding graciously.
Trump then abruptly ended the press conference, claiming that the reporters were “a bunch of pathetic know-nothings” and promised to hold a better press conference himself later in the week. “I’m going to hold the best press conference, let me tell you,” he chided, wagging a finger sagely at the gathered crowd, “you losers have never seen a press conference like the one I’m going to do – it will be the best press conference of all press conferences – you won’t be able to believe it” he concluded, “It’s true, did everybody know this?”