TORONTO: Saying that he had learned an invaluable lesson, disgraced radio personality Jian Ghomeshi made an impassioned apology today during which he expressed remorse for not giving his ex-girlfriends proper warning before he randomly cold-cocked them at the end of dates.
“In recent months I have done a lot of soul searching” Ghomeshi said in a prepared statement, “and I have realized that it is the sucker-puncher’s responsibility to give clear, affirmative warning before socking a woman in the chops.” “Warning must be given, not taken” he continued, “it must be free, voluntary, and continuous; and it must always, always, come before your fist has started moving.”
The embattled “Q” host issued the apology as part of a deal with prosecutors which will allow him to avoid a second trial for sexual assault. After he was finished reading the statement, Ghomeshi expressed gratitude to his accusers for helping him understand that his behavior was inappropriate. “I feel that this experience has helped me grow as a human being” he told reporters outside of the Ontario Superior Court, “the Jian Ghomeshi who decked girls with roundhouses while they were taking off their coats is dead; from this day forward I promise to give each and every woman who comes home with me a solid three-count.”
So far the apology has received mixed reactions from the feminist community, with some accusing him of “missing the point entirely”, and others calling it his new policy a “modest improvement.” Some activists have even reached out to Ghomeshi – who also undertook to always “help her find her teeth afterward” – in the hopes of dissuading him from punching women entirely. “With this fuckhead, we’ll basically take what we can get” said one protestor, “I think he’s retarded or something. If he needs help learning how to have sex, so that he has an alternative to ending dates with unprovoked physical assault, we’d be happy to send him an instructional brochure.”
As of news time Ghomeshi had concluded his apology, and begun gushing about how aroused he was that time that Billy-Bob Thronton yelled at him.