OTTAWA: Citing complaints about “cultural appropriation,” the University of Ottawa announced today that it will no longer be serving pizza in its lunchrooms, cafeterias, or food trucks.
“The eating of pizza by non-Italians is a prime example of how powerful groups co-opt the cultures of marginalized communities” said hysterical gender studies student Jamie Wilson, whose campus group spearheaded the initiative to go completely insane and ruin lunch for no reason, “pizza is among the most sacred symbols of Italian culture – along with ice cream, espresso, misogyny, and organized crime – and North Americans have been appropriating it for way too long.”
Wilson, whose group ‘Stop That!’ was also behind the infamous shutting-down of a free Yoga class last year, says that the next step will be to ban the riding of bicycles on campus by anyone not of German descent (the bicycle was invented in Germany in the nineteenth century) and to prevent non-American students from playing ultimate frisbee (frisbee inventor Walter Fredrick Morrison hailed from Utah). “No one is allowed to do anything unless we say so” shrieked Wilson, waving its arms frantically (Wilson does not identify within ‘the binary,’ or bathe), “we are the boss of everything!”
The pizza-ban has faced significant resistance – particularly among the Italian-Canadian community, most of whom own pizzerias, and fear for their livelihoods. “This is totally crazy” said Giuseppe D’Antipasto, an Ottawa pizza man who organized a counter-protest at City Hall “everything comes from someone’s culture – if people were only allowed to eat or wear or enjoy things that came from their own culture, no one could do anything.” “Besides” D’Antipasto continued, stroking his curly, black moustache with gold-ringed fingers, “enjoying the products of other cultures is celebration, not appropriation – have you ever met anyone who hasn’t insisted that you try their culture’s cuisine?” “These people [Stop That!] are completely nuts” he concluded, adding “I choppa them good!”
On a related note, only Francophone students will be allowed to eat French Fries, while Freedom Fries will be exclusively available to students born in democratic countries.