OTTAWA: Insisting that people cannot die from being lightly elbowed, the RCMP announced today that it will not comply with Tom Mulcair’s demand that Justin Trudeau be brought up on attempted murder charges for inadvertently bumping NDP MP Ruth Ellen Brousseau in the “chest” – read ‘boob’ – earlier this week.
The awkwardly avuncular NDP leader called on the RCMP to issue charges against, and if possible deport or execute, Prime Minister Trudeau after he took CPC whip Gord Brown by the arm and led him away from a group of shiftless MPs – accidentally elbowing Ms. Brousseau in the process. “There is plenty of political hay to be made over this nonsense” Mulcair shouted at reporters gathered in the House of Commons foyer, “and as party leader I have a duty to shamelessly exploit the situation to the breast (sic) of my abilities” he continued, making what appeared to be an hilarious Freudian slip.
The now-infamous boob-elbowing (commonly referred to as “knockergate” and “brelbow”) came after opposition MPs, unable to prevent Trudeau’s majoritity government from passing an assisted-dying bill to bring Canadian Law into compliance with the Charter, began stalling the vote in an unabashed display of political obstructionism. Frustrated with this underhanded subversion of the democratic process, Trudeau crossed the House floor and led Brown (the CPC whip, who is responsible for enforcing party discipline) away from the crowd – presumably to ask him to stop gossiping and do the job for which he is paid $197,000 a year in tax-money.
Despite the refreshing sensibility of Trudeau’s response to the cheap, dirty tactics which have become all too common in Canadian politics in recent years, the Prime Minister has faced a firestorm of histrionics over his light physical contact with Brown and Brousseau. “Viewing this issue through a gendered lens, whatever the hell that means, it is clear that Prime Minister Trudeau is some kind of demon-robot designed by Nazis to rape and murder innocent women for no reason” shrieked cartoon grasshopper Nikki Ashton, the NDP’s jobs critic. “The House of Commons has to be a safe space for young women” Ashton continued, apparently unconcerned about the safety of the man whom Trudeau was dragging across the room when he inadvertently bumped into Ms. Brousseau, “a space where they are free from the unspeakable horror of being accidentally jostled in the same way that most people are at least once per week on the subway or in an elevator.”
The furor over “The Pana-bra Papers” as the incident is now being called, has been fuelled in part by passionate impact-statements from Trudeau’s two survivors. Note: The Pinecone apologizes unreservedly for an earlier edition of this article which referred to Mr. Brown and Ms. Brousseau as “victims,” as well as for any “trauma” that these ridiculous cry-babies may have endured as a result of being re-survivorized by this oversight.
“This is where he touched me” sobbed Brown, pointing a trembling finger at the tricep of a rape doll held by his social worker, “it was… it was…” he continued, struggling to speak as fellow MPs rubbed his back gently, “it was…. slightly uncomfortable!” Brown wailed, before collapsing with an agonized sigh as his aides solemnly shooed the cameras away.
“He was about 6’1”, medium build, with great hair and razor-sharp elbows” said Brousseau, twisting awkwardly in her neck-brace as she lay strapped to the gurney which she has refused to return to Ottawa paramedics, despite having no discernible injuries, “In fact, I think his elbows were made of rocket launchers. I can’t feel my legs.” she concluded, tearfully clasping the hand of a solicitous parliamentary page. When informed by former Prime Minister Stephen Harper (who apparently is still working as an MP for some reason) that no one was taking down her description of the most recognizable man in Canada, Brousseau clutched her knee (in which she had apparently regained feeling) and shouted “Ow – my upper leg! You monster!” “Arrest that man!” she proceed to scream, pointing an indignant finger at the nonplussed Harper, “He’s about 5’11”, late fifties, with weird, tiny glasses, a bad toupee, and this super creepy dead-eyed smile.”
As of news time, Trudeau had apologized to Brown and Brousseau – vowing never again to interfere with cynical obstructions of Canadian democracy, and expressing hope that Parliament can now move on from the distraction of “TityLeaks,” and vote on the euthanasia bill so that Canadians will no longer be forced by their government to die slow, agonizing deaths from untreatable diseases. “Once this extremely important bill is passed, and Canadians can end their lives with dignity, I’ll assist you in dying, you whinging little shits!” Trudeau bellowed, making a throat-slashing gesture at Brown and Brousseau across the Commons floor. Trudeau then announced that he would elbow to death any MP who voted against the bill, before apologizing again, and choke-slamming Elizabeth May through her desk.