TORONTO: Facing a barrage of criticism over their prejudicial refereeing of Eastern Conference finals games between the Toronto Raptors and Cleveland Cavaliers, NBA officials called a press conference today to announce that they will be assessing standout centre Bismack Biyombo a flagrant foul every time a member of the media accuses them of fixing the series.
“The suggestion that we would give preferential calls to the team which will garner higher ratings in a finals matchup is as offensive as it is meritless” said senior referee Mike Callahan, “so from now on every time a reporter accuses us of bias, we will be making a note of it, and assessing Bismack Biyombo a flagrant-2 at the beginning of the next game.”
The announcement did not sit well with the Toronto media, who have decried the blatantly unfair officiating of the Eastern Conference finals as proof of the explosive claims made by disgraced referee Tim Donnaghy, who asserts that it is common practice for officials to tilt playoff series in favour of the teams which will attract the most viewers if they advance.
“With a veritable fortune to be made in TV royalties from having Lebron James face-off against Steph Curry or Kevin Durant in the final, do you really expect us to believe that it’s just a coincidence that the Raptors are getting twice as many fouls as the Cavaliers?” asked one incredulous reporter, who also pointed out that even the American announcers have been marvelling at how lop-sided the officiating has been. “That’s it!” Callahan shouted, blowing his whistle and pointing at the questioner, “Kyle Lowry isn’t allowed to use his left hand for the rest of the series.”
“Do you want to make it his right?” Callahan asked, when the dismayed journalist opened his mouth to object, “that’s what I thought.”
As of news time the referees had fielded several more questions about their impartiality, and announced that from now on Demar Derozan will only be allowed to touch the ball in the first quarter, Terrence Ross will have to play blindfolded, and Dwayne Casey will be interned in a Siberian labour camp for daring to say what everybody can see happening right in goddamn front of them.