Study: Ford Still Polling at 40% Support Despite Feces-Throwing Incident

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“I wil s#@t on everyone!” Mayor vows

TORONTO:

A public opinion poll indicated this week that support for embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford remains steady despite his latest scandal, during which the Mayor defecated on the floor beneath his City Council desk, and then proceeded to fling his sizable leavings at Councilor Denzil Minnan-Wong while screeching loudly and pounding his chest.

The Mayor, who showed up for the meeting two hours late in a blood-and-vomit- stained undershirt, was apparently incensed at Minnan-Wong’s dogged insistence that he take a leave of absence to address his recent behavioral issues. “Will the Mayor finally have some decency and step aside for a while in order to…” Minnan-Wong had reportedly begun to ask when the first lump of excrement whistled past his ear, knocking his glasses askew. “Mr. Mayor! This is most unusual!” the long-tenured councilor and one-time Ford ally was heard to exclaim before being felled by a second, more well-aimed pile of the Mayor’s sh#%.

As City hall descended into a chorus of jeers, and speaker Frances Nunziata appealed for order, the Mayor was seen clamoring onto his desk, where he proceeded to shriek wildly and pound his fists upon the surface of the desk, which broke, sending Ford toppling to the floor, where he lay for some time trying ineffectually to scramble onto his side.

 

The sh&%-flinging ploy, which is widely regarded as an attempt by the Mayor to deflect attention from his second-latest scandal, during which he beat a prostitute (whom he later claimed was not a prostitute, but just a ‘friend’) unconscious with a malt-liquor bottle in the middle of Nathan Phillips Square, has drawn widespread condemnation but failed to affect his poll numbers. When interviewed by The Pinecone, 97% of Ford supporters said that they considered the criticism a cynical leftist plot designed to oust a fiscally conservative Mayor for political reasons.

“I’m not saying that throwing your sh*# at people is a good thing to do” said one respondent, “all I’m saying is that if Karen Stintz did it there would be nowhere near as much criticism.” When informed that Councillor Stintz – being a sane, rational, upright-walking homo sapien – would never defecate in public and then throw it at people, the respondent put his fingers in his ears, began humming loudly, and refused to comment further.  “The last time you guys interviewed me I told you that as long as he saves me a couple hundred bucks a year by repealing necessary taxes, he can throw his sh&# at people in public for all I care” another member of ‘Ford Nation’ told The Pinecone, “and I stand by that.”

As of the time of publication, Mayor Ford had been brought down with a tranquilizer dart and crated by his staff, and was preparing to give an interview on MSNBC as a representative of Canada’s largest city.

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