Obama Vows to “make a bunch of really emotional speeches” in Wake of Orlando Shooting

President Obama pretending to give a shit about the Orlando massacre

President Obama pretending to give a shit about the Orlando massacre

ORLANDO, FLA: U.S. President Barrack Obama has promised “swift and decisive rhetoric” in response to the shooting at a Florida gay club which left 50 dead and as many wounded over the weekend. “In the face of such a senseless tragedy, America needs empty statements about love and solidarity more than ever” Obama said in a public address this morning, adding that “this is a time for nice, cheap words – and lots of them.”

President Obama, who has a long history of stalwart talking in response to mass-shootings, also promised to “make a bunch of sad faces, and prattle on about how I’d feel if something like this happened to my daughters – you know, to really make it look like I’m connecting to the issue emotionally, while doing absolutely nothing about it.”

The grim-faced Obama also pledged to “see if I can cry a bit – and if I can’t, I’ll  pause for a moment every now and then to make it looks like I’m fighting back the tears” as well as to “shamelessly kowtow to the gun lobby, as per usual.” “I just couldn’t live with myself if a bunch of crazy rednecks were mad at me” Obama told reporters gathered in the White House media room, “so I’m not going to table any serious gun-control legislation or anything; but, so help me god, I will talk about the need for gun control in order to make it seem like I care about this, while covering my ass politically.”

“My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this horrific event.” Obama concluded, wiping Wayne Lapierre’s semen off of his chin with a letter sent to him by the mother of one of the children killed at Sandy Hook, pleading for restrictions on access to firearms, “May god bless America.”

2 comments for “Obama Vows to “make a bunch of really emotional speeches” in Wake of Orlando Shooting

  1. Anonymous
    June 13, 2016 at 7:23 am

    a sad commentary on your commentary. you are part of the hateful, who are making america what it is. never seen a country who disrespect their presidents as yours. yo would deserve trump

    • June 13, 2016 at 11:08 am

      Neoliberalism commodifies everything, including water and, more to the point, people. One cannot care about a commodity except in terms of commerce. So those who promote neoliberalism cannot, by definition, actually care about people. Why should people show any respect to such an ideology, or to the representatives of the institutions that support it?

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