MARSEILLE: French President Francois Hollande announced today that dozens of Russian soccer hooligans, scheduled for deportation home after attacking England supporters ahead of Euro 2016 Group B games in France, will instead be sent to Syria to fight against the Islamic State. “President Putin and I have come up with a resolution to the problem [of Russian fan violence] which we think is win-win” Hollande said with a satisfied smile, “we’ve decided that instead of shipping the hooligans back home to destroy restaurants in Moscow and Omsk, they should be sent someplace where their, shall we say joie de vivre, can be put to better use.”
The “Hollande-Putin Plan”, or HPP, which has been unanimously signed-off-on by the UN Security Council, involves loading the hooligans onto a military cargo aircraft with several cases of vodka and a stockpile of bar-stools, pool queues, crowbars, beer glasses, and baseball bats with nails through them, telling them that ISIS supports team England, and then air-dropping them into the Islamic State stronghold of Raqqa.
Although hailed as visionary in diplomatic circles, the plan is drawing fierce criticism from human rights groups. “This is simply barbaric” said Amnesty International head Alex Neve, “unleashing the hooligans on ISIS is a clear instance of cruel or inhuman treatment, as contemplated by the UN Convention against Torture.” “The human rights violations committed by ISIS do not relieve coalition governments of their responsibilities under international humanitarian law” Neve continued, adding that “no one, not even ISIS, deserves to have drunken Russian soccer fans inflicted on them.”
ISIS, which promptly surrendered Raqqa after receiving word of the HPP, has for the first time ever expressed a willingness to negotiate with the West, and pursue a non-military settlement to the Syrian conflict. “We are God’s chosen fighters, and we do not fear death” the group announced in a public statement following Hollande’s speech, “but please – let’s be reasonable about this – don’t send those maniacs here, things are bad enough already.”