Conservative senator Mike Duffy is embroiled in yet another corruption scandal today after an incident at the Bank of Canada which he is decrying as an example of what he calls the “unnecessarily complicated and confusing rules governing Senators unauthorized withdrawals.”
Duffy, who was apprehended by RCMP on the steps of the Bank, carrying a garbage-bag full of freshly-minted thousand-dollar bills, issued a public statement calling for “the formation of a special committee to investigate these circuitous and befuddling guidelines, and recommend ways of clarifying them” as he was tucked into the back of a squad-car amid a flurry of cash.
“It is a national disgrace that an honest man can be punished for doing what he thought, on the basis of his best interpretation of this impenetrable mountain of labyrinthine regulations, was the right thing to do,” said the increasingly unpopular Senator, who, according to eye witnesses, “walked cheerfully in” to the Royal Canadian mint this morning, and proceeded to “print as much money as he could carry, stuff it into a bag, and walk right out the front door with it, all the while whistling happily to himself – like he was going to the fridge to get a frigging snack or something.”
Mr. Duffy – who reportedly used his only phone-call from jail to order a five-course steak and lobster breakfast, which he refused to pay for himself even after police advised him that jail-house gourmet-food-delivery was not claimable under his Senate expense account – released the following statement through his lawyer’s office.
Senator Duffy was shocked this morning to be arbitrarily and unduly deprived of his liberty over a minor and routine misunderstanding as to the exact time, way, and degree to which Senators are allowed to use the national coffers as their personal piggy-banks. Mr. Duffy has considered the matter carefully, and after much deliberation and soul-searching decided that he is ready to accept an apology from the RCMP for his wrongful arrest – which he completely understands – and give back the portion of the money which he hasn’t already spent on his breakfast, which he also believed, because of the overly-complex and confusing regulations, to be claimable as a travel expense.
When challenged to reconcile his insistence that he had merely misunderstood the wording (and unrecognizably distorted the spirit) of the Senate expense regulations, against his previous claims that the mint robbery had occurred while he was: “sleepwalking,” “hypnotized,” “having a bad reaction to prescription diet pills,” and “possessed by the ghost of Brian Mulrooney,” Duffy gave an impassioned speech about the need to reform and clarify Canada’s “opaque and mystifying guidelines as to which fantastical excuses Senators can make up in order to avoid taking responsibility for their shameless looting of public funds.”
The latest press-release filed by the RCMP stated that Duffy had cracked under interrogation, admitted he was wrong, and written a cheque from Nigel Wright to the Canadian people in the amount of “however much I stole.”