WASHINGTON DC: Investigators looking into the Hillary Clinton emails scandal have released shocking new details about the security lapses allegedly committed by the Democratic Presidential nominee during her term as Secretary of State. According to documents made public by the FBI, Clinton not only sent sensitive information through her personal email account, but also loudly discussed classified topics on her cell-phone in crowded restaurants, posted top-secret documents to her Instagram account, and shouted state secrets at people walking past the window of her office in the Harry S. Truman Building.
The explosive series of public disclosures – which were released to the media this morning in compliance with a Freedom of Information Act request – indicated that Clinton had shown a “baffling disregard for the security of sensitive materials,” while serving as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013, including “information critical to the national security of the United States.” Of the 10, 271 indiscretions outlined in the FBI reports, the most serious included leaving her security clearance key-card in a Denny’s washroom, spray-painting the names of deep-cover intelligence agents on subway walls, and texting nuclear launch codes to random telephone numbers – both domestic and international.
Among the evidence of what investigators described as “bizarre and disturbing negligence on an un-heard-of scale” the disclosures included sworn affidavits from over two thousand U.S. citizens claiming to have received unsolicited phone calls from Mrs. Clinton, during which she “introduced herself, explained that she had selected their numbers at random out of the phone book”, and then “proceeded to discuss everything from U.S. foreign policy to domestic surveillance programs” with “tremendous enthusiasm” and in a “degree of detail which is as disturbing as it is impressive.” Additionally, several affiants stated that the embattled presidential candidate mailed them blueprints for the latest stealth aircraft and ballistic missile prototypes, with one – a Minneapolis rancher – claiming to have received a package from then-Secretary of State Clinton containing the “parts and instructions necessary to build a next-generation Predator drone.”
In the wake of the damaging revelations the Clinton campaign has gone on the offensive, maintaining that Hillary’s conduct while serving as the nation’s top diplomat was “entirely legal and in accordance with State Department protocols.” “I was proud to serve my country as Secretary of State, and I took the security of sensitive information extremely seriously” Clinton insisted at an early-morning press conference called to address the new charges, “just ask Akhmed Yassir Ahmadi, alias ‘Abu Nadir’ – one of the undercover agents we embedded in Al Qaeda during my term – he’s at a Taliban hideout near Khabul: 34.554 degrees latitude, 69.207982 degrees longitude. He’ll tell you how tight a ship I ran at the State Department.” “Or David Michael Mbeki, aka Mbeki Seto, aka Seto Seki Al Islam – our main guy inside Al Shabab” Clinton continued, “he’s done a bang-up job over there – no one has any idea that he works for us – he can attest to how careful I am with top secret stuff.”
As of news time, Mrs. Clinton had vowed to continue with her presidential campaign – especially now that Bernie Sanders (who has not to date endangered the security of his country through dumbfounding carelessness) has been forced out of the Democratic primaries due to lackluster support from superdelegates. “My campaign will forge ahead with the same resolution and fortitude with which the United States continues to secretly buy oil from ISIS in exchange for assurances that their coordinated attacks against Western targets will remain limited to Europe and Scandinavia” Mrs. Clinton told reporters, adding that “there’s a glitch in the Pentagon’s security software which lets you access basically any military-intelligence building by swiping a fridge magnet across the badge-reader.”