WASHINGTON DC: Buoyed by strong support among white men who shoot at their televisions, Republican Donald Trump pulled off a stunning upset against projected winner Hillary Rodham Clinton this morning, proving once and for all that men who grab strangers by the pus*y can be elected to the highest level of government in modern day America.
Trump’s unlikely trouncing of the political establishment is being hailed as having ushered in a new era in U.S. democracy, an era in which unabashed sexual predators are free to be themselves – secure in the knowledge that one of their own is in the White House, presumably fondling a tremulous cleaning maid. “It’s like David vs. Goliath” said a dewy-eyed rapist at Trump HQ, wiping tears and confetti from his cheeks as he groped the woman beside him, “except this time David grabbed Goliath by the pussy. God bless America!”
In the hours since Trump’s historic win, numerous pussy-grabbing advocacy groups – including Pussy Grabbers Anonymous and Grabnesty International – have put out statements applauding the victory, but cautioning against unrealistic optimism. “We welcome the result, of course – it’s a victory for handsy troglodytes everywhere” Grabnesty said in an early-morning press release, “but we have to be realistic: all that President Trump has proved is that rich, white pussy grabbers can be themselves in America – there are still thousands of men out there who have to live in shame and secrecy just because they sexually assault strangers and then brag about it. That’s got to change.”
Although he welcomed the support from Grabnesty and PGA, Trump has repeated his denial that he has actually grabbed women by the pussies, contrary to his highly-publicized boastings to former Access Hollywood host Billy Bush – who, unlike Trump, actually faced negative consequences for his role in the now-infamous conversation. “Despite the fact that I’m a flabby old man who doesn’t play any sports, I like the locker room talk – I do. It’s a beautiful thing” Trump told The Pinecone’s Veronica Whyte in a post-election interview, “but that’s all it is – talk – I have never actually done any of that stuff, of course” he continued, adding “now come here so I can grab your pussy.”