Despite having no history of traumatic brain injuries, Vice President Mike Pence announced today that under Donald Trump’s presidency the theory that babies are delivered to newly-married couples by friendly, cap-wearing storks will be taught alongside sexual education in fifth-grade classes across the United States.
“Because Jesus” Pence told snickering reporters gathered in the White House press gallery, “the theory – and, remember, it’s just a theory, like gravity and dinosaurs – of sexual reproduction will be accompanied by the equally valid theory that babies are delivered by storks, just as the theory of evolution will be accompanied by the even more equally valid theory of God did it – our God.”
The announcement has thus far been well received among Republicans, many of whom are capable of dressing themselves. “I think it’s fantastic” said incoming House Leader Paul Ryan, “it’s about time that radical leftist school-teachers stopped brainwashing our children with insane ideas about babies coming from a bunch of tubes and goo and cells dividing and crap, rather than being dropped through nursery windows in swaddling cloths by talking cartoon birds, like it says in the Disney-bible” he concluded, holding up a copy of Mark Pinsky’s The Gospel According to Disney. “I saw a stork once!” shouted former Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, urinating slightly.
Liberal commentators, however, have been highly critical of Pence’s educational reform initiative, as well as the man behind it. “Mike Pence is a drooling fucktard who can’t tell the difference between science and bedtime stories” said pundit Bill Nye, because retired childrens’ educators are needed to explain the facts of life to the most powerful men in the world apparently. “I did not have sexual relations with that stork” intoned former president Bill Clinton, looking directly into the camera, “and if Mike Pence told you I did he’s a god-dang liar!”
As of news time Pence had begun to excitedly hang Christmas stockings, while making the Secret Service triple-serious swear that Santa would be allowed to land his sleigh on the White House roof.