By LaSteven Umlaut, Staff Film Critic
It was a role that lasted decades, and captivated audiences the world over. Spanning four films, and characters as diverse as Princess Leia, Slave Princess Leia, and Old, Tired-looking Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher’s shining film role touched the hearts of millions, and left an indelible mark on the movie industry.
It was the kind of role that launches long, successful film careers, except that in her case it didn’t, but then she got to do it again when she was old, so that was nice. It was a role that made her a sex symbol, and not much more, because she couldn’t really act, but she didn’t have to because of the royalties from those oversexed Princess Leia action figures which people thought were appropriate for kids for some reason.
But it wasn’t “just a role,” it was also a haircut – a stupid, cinnamon-bun-looking haircut which defined an era in cinematic history, and which an entire generation of men dreamed of one day ejaculating on.
And it was a costume too – a skimpy, demeaning slave costume worn by strippers all over the world as they sat on the laps of nerds almost as corpulent and repulsive as Jabba the Hut – and sometimes dressed-up as and/or talking like Jabba the Hut – heroically resisting the urge to strangle them with their slave-Leia chains like Carrie Fisher did in the Return of the Jedi, despite the fact that Jabba the Hut was the size of a small elephant and she would have been nowhere near strong enough.
And she was in some other movies too, but no one can remember what they were. I think she was in Austin Powers, but she may have played herself, I don’t know.
All in all, Carrie Fisher was pretty hot when she was young.