TORONTO: A reputed gynecologist is the subject of heated protests this week, after he reportedly “man-splained” local hysteric Jane Ritchie’s vagina to her. Dr. Leslie Rubenstein, a Toronto OBGYN famous for his pioneering work in early-stage ovarian cancer detection, reportedly ran afoul of the self-proclaimed “fementrois warrior-goddess” after she came to his office for a routine visit.
“I told him that I had a copy of Bell Hooks’ Ain’t I a Woman? lodged in my cervix again,” Ritchie screeched in an online video urging viewers to chant inanely outside of Dr. Rubenstein’s downtown office, “and as he was extracting it with the forceps he just casually said: ‘Actually, it’s lodged in the endocervical canal – the cervix is the term for the area around the canal, encompassing both the endocervix (including endocervical canal) and ectocervix.” “I was in total shock” she continued, sobbing and gasping like she was in the freaking Blair Witch Project or something, “I was like, ‘is another man seriously telling me about how my body works?! This is violence! This is worse than violence! This is… I – this is murder! This is mass murder!!’”
Although the Ontario College of Physicians has declined Ritchie’s request that they strip Dr. Rubenstein of his medical license and throw him into a volcano, she has won committed supporters among the so-called ‘Social Justice Warrior’ movement, who turned-out in screaming, smelly droves with the same cryptic, nonsensical signs they bring to all their meaningless protests.
“This is just another example of how the patriarchy, in cahoots with the white-cis-male-vampiredog fraternity, Jian Ghomeshi, and Donald Trump-Hitler, oppresses femme-bodies of non-binary trans-colour through unconscious privilege, systemic powers structures, black-magic voodoo shamanism, and blah, blah, blah, blah, wage-gap” screamed unemployed lunatic Sandy Dawson, ripping off her shirt for some reason and shitting in circles, “It has to be someone’s fault I’m so fat and unhappy!”
Dr. Rubenstein, who has taken a research-sabbatical until the controversy subsides, spoke to The Pinecone at his North York home, expressing regret over the incident, which he described as the result of an “uncharacteristic lapse in judgment” on his part. “I really, really should have known better than to correct her after I saw that copy of Ain’t I a Woman? stuck in there” he splained, staring wearily skywards, “the ones with Bell Hooks novels in them are always bat-shit.”