Hero Saves Bowl of Mixed Nuts from Being Enjoyed by Girlfriend
Chad De Sousa says he is “no hero,” and maintains that “any man in [his] situation would have done the same.”
WOODBRIDGE: In what is being sarcastically described as a stirring act of heroism, area man Chad De Sousa, 29, sprang into action today when he noticed his girlfriend, Lisa Keswick, 32, venturing perilously close to their rec-room coffee table as he was lying on the couch watching hockey, which sources say is, like, easily 97% of what he does. Fearing that the heavily-salted mixed nuts on which he had been snacking noisily for over a goddamn hour were in imminent danger of being enjoyed by someone other than himself for once, Mr. De Sousa acted quickly – snatching the bowl from the table with the agility of a man who exercises and eats vegetables, cradling it like the baby he’s incapable of producing because he won’t stop resting his laptop on his balls, and nonchalantly crossing his leg around it like that makes it fucking invisible or something.
Having bravely thwarted yet another opportunity to behave like an adult human being for once, De Sousa reportedly went on to eat the entire goddamn bowl of nuts – dropping the shells behind the couch like a teenager while steadfastly ignoring the empty dish Ms. Keswick had placed on the coffee table for him, and which he had sworn to use but apparently he was just agreeing mindlessly to whatever she said to get her to shut up, again – burped proudly, and licked his fingers while shouting for more beer.