MCINTYRE, GEORGIA: Despite spending $75,000 U.S. on liposuction and various other surgeries which succeeded in removing 300lbs of fat from her flanks and abdomen, sources close to Here Comes Honey Boo-boo star June ‘Mama June’ Shannon are reporting that the expensive medical procedures failed to correct her lazy eyes, slack jaw, bulbous nose, and horse-gums.
According to several sources, who have asked to remain anonymous for fear of being cooked and eaten by the notoriously voracious reality TV star, ‘Mama June’ is “distraught” and “hungry.” Reports initially emerged indicating that she had died of post-operative complications, but we turned out not to be that lucky.
“Them doctor folks done told me I’d be beauty-full!” Shannon told The Pinecone in an exclusive interview, staring vacantly past the camera like a hot cow, as usual, “So I gived ‘em all my fancy TV moeneys – all of ‘em” she droned, a globe of spittle dripping slowly from her (still grotesque) lower lip – “and I still looks me like a dang horse!”
In addition to continuing to be ugly after her dramatic weight loss, The Pinecone has obtained information indicating that Mama June remains “malodorous” and “as dumb as spit” – a fact which sources blame for her “continuing and baffling inability” to “understand that liposuction is a procedure to remove body fat, not alter facial features or increase I.Q., fucking obviously.”
Although disappointed (somehow) with her continued horse-facedness, Shannon has expressed optimism about her new reality show – “I Wants Me My Beautiful” – during which she will tour the country in search of a plastic surgeon who can stand to look at her long enough to correct her many uglinesses.
“We gon’ find us a blind surgeon” the semi-conscious freak told The Pinecone, breathing through her mouth and reeking of body-odor and chipoltle sauce, “And he gon’ done gives me my beautiful, or I gon’ eat him.”
As of news time, The Pinecone’s sources had reported that despite being as ugly as sin, as stupid as a bag of hammers, and still pretty fat, to be honest, ‘Mama June’ is remains a celebrity for some reason, and has way, way more money than you.