PARIS: In what is being hailed as a triumph of women’s equality, the people of France have elected the first ever woman – Emmanuel Macron – to the office of the President. Mlle. Macron, who won a runoff with M. Marine Le Pen after no candidate was able to win a majority during the first round of voting, is expected to prioritize feminine hygiene and passive aggression during her inaugural term as France’s first female head of state.
“L’etat cest moi!” declared Mlle. Macron (apparently menstruating) to the cheering throng of cleaning maids and pastry wenches gathered in the Place Vendôme as the historic results came in, “Aussi, pensez-vous que j’ai l’air gras dans cette costume?”
World leaders have been quick to applaud Mlle. Macron’s victory – with some even going so far as to claim that it represents a ‘new trend’ in world politics, as Macron is only the latest addition to a growing Pantheon of female heads of state which currently includes Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina Wajed, Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“I think it’s uge – bigly, bigly uge” said U.S. President Donald Trump, pursing his lips and making an ‘Okay’ sign with his miniscule fingers for some reason, “Emmanuel Macron is hot – I mean, let me tell you, I know who I’m grabbing by the pussy at the next G8 summit” he continued, before being informed by a frantic, sweaty Sean Spicer that his microphone was still on. “I am unimpressed and kind of grumpy, as I always look” Chancellor Merkel said in an official statement congratulating Macron on her victory, “don’t come any closer or I will inflate my sagging cheek-flaps in order to make myself appear larger and more imposing.”
As of press time, Mlle. Macron had issued executive orders mandating that all toilet seats in the Élysée Palace be put back down after use, publicly subsidizing purses with cute little straps, and making it a capital offense to forget an anniversary or Valentine’s Day.