In perhaps his most controversial move since being elected to the office of the President, Donald Trump took to twitter today to inform the American public that transgender citizens will no longer be accorded the privilege of being shipped to the desert and having their limbs blown off by I.E.Ds so that the United States can maintain control of Iraqi oil reserves.
“Getting blown to pieces for no reason is a rare and distinguished honour” Trump told frenzied reporters gathered in the White House press gallery early this morning, “and it is imperative that our service men and women be able to suffer grotesque and often fatal injuries without the distraction of having transgender individuals being blown to smithereens alongside them” he continued, sticking out his lower lip and pointing a tiny index finger importantly skywards, “that would just be crazy.”
Unsurprisingly, Trumps’ announcement has met with a firestorm of criticism, as politicians, celebrities, and trans rights organizations clamour to denounce his re-instatement of the transgender military service ban.
“Contrary to popular stereotypes, trans and non-binary individuals are every bit as blow-upable as cis people” the National Centre for Transgender Equality said in an official statement released several hours after Trumps’ controversial tweets, “in fact, they may even be more suited than cis-normative individuals to being shot, exploded, or decapitated on YouTube – we really don’t have enough data on this to make a concrete determination yet.”
“I didn’t spend $17,000 growing breasts just so that I could have them not blown off fighting in costly, immoral petroleum wars” said decorated transgender Navy SEAL Kristin Beck, grabbing her boobs indignantly, “I defy Donald Trump to look me in the face and tell me that I’m unfit to be horrifically maimed so that the United States can retain control of Middle-Eastern energy reserves” she continued, adding “the dickless bastard.”
As of news time, Trump had announced that, in addition to being barred from military service, trans-people would no longer be allowed to be murdered, raped, set on fire, run-over with bulldozers, or thrown out of helicopters into crocodile-infested waters.