ONTARIO: Peterborough resident Haley Warden thought things were finally starting to look up. Having been accepted into the Basic Income pilot project, she was set to receive $1,400 a month for doing absolutely nothing – nearly double the $721 in free nothing money she was getting under the Ontario Works (OW) program. Now, with the pilot project being scrapped by Doug Ford’s conservative government, the 23 year-old says she has no choice but to become employed and pay for her own existence.
“I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me” Warden says, a solitary tear rolling down her forlorn face, “for once in my life I was going to be given a large sum of money every month without having to do anything to earn it for no reason” she continued, staring skyward as she struggled to keep her lower lip from trembling, “now I don’t know what I’m going to do – I just don’t know – if things don’t turn around soon I’ll have no choice but to get some kind of… some kind of… job!” Warden gasped, struggling to hold back the sobs, “and… and… pay for my own expenses!” she concluded, bursting into tears and falling to the floor, where she was consoled for five and a half hours by a CBC news team.
Under the suddenly-cancelled Basic Income plan, thousands of Ontarians, like Warden, who have no disabilities whatsoever and like money but not working, would have been paid a total of $150 million in public funds over the next three years as part of the Wynne governments’ self-sufficiency-reduction plan. Economists estimate that, had it not been scrapped by the Ford conservatives, the project could have successfully pissed in the faces of millions of hard-working tax-payers, while relieving shiftless low-lifes all across the province of the pressure and stress of having to pry their shameless lips off of the public teat for long enough to get jobs and pay for their own goddamn food and rent.
“To just cancel the project like this, without any consultation or a plan for how to end it, is just flat-out irresponsible” says Patrick Neely, a senior fellow at the Broadbent Institute for Mooching Studies, “this contrasts very sharply with the high level of responsibility shown by able-bodied adults who can’t support themselves because of their laziness and bad life-choices, yet feel entitled enough to get angry when the public votes-in a new government which is unwilling to take money away from people who actually get up and go to work every day, and then give that money to them for no reason” Neely continued, “this [the cancellation of the pilot project] really makes my blood boil.”
Now Warden is faced with an uncertain future, and has hard choices to make.
“I just don’t know what to do now that I’m not going to be given a bunch of money that other people worked for by the government every month” Warden sobbed, wiping her solicitous interviewers’ breast milk from her scrunched-up chin, “I think I might have to …. might have to…” she stuttered, reaching slowly around the back of the socialist breast-feeding her to lift her wallet slowly out of her purse, “move back in with my parents!” she concluded, gasping for air to distract attention while she slid out a twenty-dollar bill and stuffed it quickly into her sock “Oh, the humanity!”
Lazy, shameless freeloaders aren’t the only victims of the pilot project cancellation, however; Doug Ford’s cold-hearted Scroogery is also effecting the most vulnerable members of our society – the children of lazy, shameless freeloaders. “That $1,400 a month would have finally allowed me to regain custody of my nine kids” Warden wailed, as the slightly-poorer author of her (also government-funded) sob story clenched her teeth and muttered “bastards!” repeatedly under her breath, “then I could have gotten free government money on a per-child basis – I never would have had to work again…. as long as I kept on having kids I couldn’t support, that is” she continued, “This is wrong. It’s just wrong. My children belong with me – no matter who has to pay for it. Look what an amazing role-model I am!”
As of news time, the Ford government had declined to respond to the CBC’s request for comment on the cancellation of the pilot project, or to read its petition, signed by all 4,000 of the projects’ former recipients, demanding that they reinstate the program, triple the amount of the monthly payments, and throw them a pizza party, presumably because they were all busy working for a living.