After years of heated on-air sparring over controversial hockey issues such as fighting, and the place of women and Europeans in the sport, famed NHL commentator Don Cherry finally got on with it and murdered Coach’s Corner co-host Ron Maclean today.
The long-anticipated slaying came after Maclean interrupted Cherry during a 45-second rant in which he had alternately railed against the “liberals,” “pukes,” “pinkos,” and “bleeding-heart journalists” whom he claimed were “ruining hockey for us Canadians.” Sources inside the CBC told The Pinecone that Maclean unwittingly provoked the attack by interjecting to inform Cherry – who was in the middle of decrying “that filthy European bastard Ovechkin” for celebrating a goal – that Russia is, in fact, part of Asia, and not Europe. This apparently enraged the already frothy-mouthed Cherry, who reportedly bellowed “That’s it, you tennis-playing sissy, now you’ve done it!” before pulling Maclean’s suit-jacket over his head, pummeling him to death with upper-cuts, and devouring his corpse.
Reactions have been mixed so far in the hockey world, with some expressing dismay that Cherry chose to at last behead and cannibalize Maclean while on the air, and others reporting amazement that the bombastic hockey guru waited so long to murder and eat his level-headed co-host. “To be honest, I’m flat-out shocked that Maclean lasted so long” said one Hockey Night in Canada fan, “Grapes had obviously been on the verge of murdering him and feasting on his flesh for years now – quite frankly I’m a bit relieved that he’s finally gotten it out of the way and we can focus on hockey again.”
As of News Time the CBC was rumoured to be replacing Maclean with Kevin Weeks, whom it considers more capable of defending himself against Cherry’s frequent fits of homicidal rage. According to reports, the network had initially tapped Mike Millbury for the position, but backtracked when informed by their insurance company that having two loud, angry, confrontational blowhards in the same room for five minutes a week would increase their premiums catastrophically.