In what sportswriters are calling an “inexcusable” blunder, the beleaguered Toronto Raptors managed to somehow defeat the Los Angeles Lakers last night, despite being without star forward Rudy Gay, who was scratched pending a trade to Sacramento. The win, which is the latest in a string of setbacks, pushes the Raptors even farther from their goal of tanking hard enough to select Canadian superstar Andrew Wiggins in the upcoming draft.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore” lamented GM Masai Uriji in at a post-game presser, “I took our best player out of the lineup, didn’t replace him with anyone good, and we still found a way to beat one of the top teams in the league.” “Honestly,” he scoffed, “It’s like we’re not even trying to lose.”
In the wake of the embarrassing victory, many are wondering how much more winning Raptors fans are willing to tolerate. “I’m getting pretty goddamn fed up” one long-time fan told The Pinecone. “Wiggins is a surefire superstar, he’s from Toronto, and he’s said publicly that he wants to play for the Raptors – what the f&%k more do you want!” he screamed, pulling at his hair until tufts of it began to lift out from his scalp, “If they don’t find a way to draft him I’m committing suicide.”
In an exclusive interview with The Pinecone, Uriji said he is sympathetic to fans’ frustrations, but has limited options as of the moment. “I want to lose as badly as they do” the disconsolate GM said this morning, “but it’s not that easy, the players just keep screwing up; I mean rebounding, passing, shooting the ball, dunking the ball – dunking for f*&%k’s sake!”
Urij, who says he plans to shackle Demar De Rozan’s ankles together for the remainder of the season, urged fans to be patient and have faith in the organization. “I obviously can’t promise about Wiggins, seeing as it’s a lottery and everything” he said solemnly, “but I promise our fans, with god as my witness, that we will finish in the bottom three, even if it means I have to trade away our entire starting lineup, tamper with the baskets, or re-acquire Andrea Bargnani.”
When asked about the rumors that he was working on a trade for Darko Milicic, Uriji winced and assured The Pinecone that the Raps “don’t need to lose that badly.”