NBA Referees Announce That They Will Assess Bismack Biyombo a Flagrant Foul Every Time Someone Accuses Them of Fixing Raps/Cavs Series

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TORONTO: Facing a barrage of criticism over their prejudicial refereeing of Eastern Conference finals games between the Toronto Raptors and Cleveland Cavaliers, NBA officials called a press conference today to announce that they will be assessing standout centre Bismack Biyombo…

RCMP Declines Mulcair’s Request to Pursue Attempted Murder Charges Against Trudeau over House of Commons “Manhandling”

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OTTAWA: Insisting that people cannot die from being lightly elbowed, the RCMP announced today that it will not comply with Tom Mulcair’s demand that Justin Trudeau be brought up on attempted murder charges for inadvertently bumping NDP MP Ruth Ellen…

Pizza Removed From University of Ottawa Lunchrooms Over “Cultural Appropriation” Concerns

"No pizza for you!"

OTTAWA: Citing complaints about “cultural appropriation,” the University of Ottawa announced today that it will no longer be serving pizza in its lunchrooms, cafeterias, or food trucks. “The eating of pizza by non-Italians is a prime example of how powerful…

Jian Ghomeshi Issues Apology, Vows to Begin Shouting “En Garde!” at Dates Before He Punches Them

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TORONTO: Saying that he had learned an invaluable lesson, disgraced radio personality Jian Ghomeshi made an impassioned apology today during which he expressed remorse for not giving his ex-girlfriends proper warning before he randomly cold-cocked them at the end of…